You only regret the choices you never made. The things you never tried, the moments you didn’t say yes to.
What about the other side of the coin? The choice you did make? The “yes” that you did utter? Do you regret that? Was it the right choice? Would the grass be greener if you’d made a different decision? For a long time, I’ve been a firm believer that the grass in greenest where you water it most, but this is where I’m starting to struggle with my choices.
A few months ago, my husband fully supported my decision not to return to work, to be a stay-at-home-mama, to be a wife and mother, rather than a career girl, but I sit here now and wonder, am I really “Mama” enough? Do I provide enough stimulation for my ever curious toddler? Should we be doing more drawing? Going to more toddler groups? Out on more walks? Am I demanding too much of him raising him bilingual? Does he need more play dates? Do I speak enough French? Too much French? Should the house be tidier? Should dinner be healthier? Is the house too tidy? Do I neglect my child for the sake of an empty washing basket? Is my house too messy? Am I failing as a wife in favour of being a mother? Am I really doing my best? Is my best even good enough?
Am I a good wife? Do I demand too much of my husband? Do I expect too much of him? Does he expect more of me or am I expecting him to expect more? What defines a good wife? Should I make more of an effort to put my make up on and do my hair? Is it ok to have a pyjama day? Should I insist on more date nights? Should sex be more spontaneous? Is OK to only ever want a quickie?
Should I dress up more?
Is it utterly inappropriate if the teen accidentally hears us at it? Will she be scarred for life? Should we have sex less?
Should I go back to work and hire a cleaner and pay someone to raise our son? Or should I still be able to cook and clean if I work. Are my boys happy, and am I doing everything I can to make them happy?
What about the teenager? 5 weeks in a new school, and no sleepovers, no friends round for their evening meal, no one knocking on the door for her to “go play” no after school clubs, am I failing her? Can she do more? Should we push her harder? She’s already been busted down a set because she’s not thriving under her workload, is that our fault? Do we not support her enough? Do we push her too hard? Is she lonely? Or a loner? Does she like our company or she suffocating in this house? Do we give her too many chores? Should we give her more chores to help her be more independent? Are we expecting her to grow too quickly? Is she mollycoddled?
I wish I had the answers. I wish I could be the self assured “like it or lump it” person that I used to be.
But I can’t. I worry so much. The happiness of my family is paramount. I’m not trying to be perfect, but I would like to do things perfectly. I want my future grandchildren to look up to my husband and I and tell themselves they want a marriage like ours. I want our children to look back and know we did everything to help them grow, to encourage, support and inspire them.
So, parents out there, are there any answers, or do we just all muddle through in the way we think is best? Is it all a big grey area or am I missing the obvious black and white?
I’ve linked this post with the lovelies over at #fortheloveofblog
I think it is natural to always question whether we have made the right decisions for ourselves, our children and our family as a whole. As long as everyone is happy and healthy then I think you can be reassured that you have made the right choices and you are wifemama enough. Love that picture of your two gorgeous children in the kitchen. So cute! Thanks for joining us again. #TweensTeensBeyond
Of course you are. I could have told you that just from seeing your pictures and reading your posts over the last few months. You have every right to be proud! Thanks for joining us at #TweensTeensBeyond. Nicky
Don’t question yourself so much. I bet your hubby doesn’t question himself! Appreciate yourself for all that you do and are. Thanks for sharing on #fortheloveofBLOG
YES! I can relate to this so much! It’s exhausting constantly questioning everything. I’m swooning over your carrier by the way. It’s amazing! #fortheloveofBLOG
I don’t have it anymore! I sold it! (I cried) unfortunately the wast belt didn’t go small enough for me anymore. It was a Tula (Vintage bikes) with “Dino hood” and suck pads- the baby in the photo is now almost 3! X
I would have cried. I love a Tula but never found a pattern I loved enough to warrant the cost. The bikes are beautiful! My son is too big now to be carried 😦 maybe next baby 🙂 x
These are questions I ask myself (minus the teenager and French – that’s awesome by the way!). I’ve just returned to work and it’s a constant battle of questions and non answers. Funnily though they’re similar questions to what you’re asking yourself though. I don’t think there are any right answers. Just that you’re clearly doing the best job because you’re stopping to think about these things. Easier said than done, but try not to be too hard on yourself. #fortheloveofBLOG xxx
Oh you poor love – I felt exhausted reading this! I think the best mums out there raise these questions – it’s our inner voice at 2 in the morning isn’t it? Worry and questioning is what helps us strive to make the absolute best decisions for our children. There is definitely a real pressure when you give up your career to make your job at home the best you can – I went through this for sure but do you know what just by questioning you’re doing the best you can – enjoy your gorgeous family #fortheloveofBLOG
Thank you for your kind comment! I wrote this nearly a year ago when pregnant with #2 who is now 10 months old. I read back on it and understand that I am doing better that the standards I force upon myself are not always achievable. Learning to accept that you can’t be everything all of the time is hard, but it helps keep me sane! #fortheloveofBLOG
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A brilliant and articulate way of getting ones point across. I empathise completely. Although different situation to myself, the logistics are the same. X
Ahh the logistics of children! Possibly the biggest learning curve of my life, but also the most fun! (On the days where I’m relaxed!) X
I think we grow by asking questions. I’d never like to get to a place where I accepted everything and stopped questioning. I listened to a podcast on meditation the other day and the host was saying that the point of meditation is not to have the answers but to get comfortable with not having them x
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I think many of them are rhetorical questions, my own strange way of asking myself if I’m doing . In a way it’s nice to see there maybe aren’t any obvious answers, but the questions help us to keep on track! X