You only regret the choices you never made. The things you never tried, the moments you didn’t say yes to.
What about the other side of the coin? The choice you did make? The “yes” that you did utter? Do you regret that? Was it the right choice? Would the grass be greener if you’d made a different decision? For a long time, I’ve been a firm believer that the grass in greenest where you water it most, but this is where I’m starting to struggle with my choices.
A few months ago, my husband fully supported my decision not to return to work, to be a stay-at-home-mama, to be a wife and mother, rather than a career girl, but I sit here now and wonder, am I really “Mama” enough? Do I provide enough stimulation for my ever curious toddler? Should we be doing more drawing? Going to more toddler groups? Out on more walks? Am I demanding too much of him raising him bilingual? Does he need more play dates? Do I speak enough French? Too much French? Should the house be tidier? Should dinner be healthier? Is the house too tidy? Do I neglect my child for the sake of an empty washing basket? Is my house too messy? Am I failing as a wife in favour of being a mother? Am I really doing my best? Is my best even good enough?
Am I a good wife? Do I demand too much of my husband? Do I expect too much of him? Does he expect more of me or am I expecting him to expect more? What defines a good wife? Should I make more of an effort to put my make up on and do my hair? Is it ok to have a pyjama day? Should I insist on more date nights? Should sex be more spontaneous? Is OK to only ever want a quickie?
Should I dress up more?
Is it utterly inappropriate if the teen accidentally hears us at it? Will she be scarred for life? Should we have sex less?
Should I go back to work and hire a cleaner and pay someone to raise our son? Or should I still be able to cook and clean if I work. Are my boys happy, and am I doing everything I can to make them happy?
What about the teenager? 5 weeks in a new school, and no sleepovers, no friends round for their evening meal, no one knocking on the door for her to “go play” no after school clubs, am I failing her? Can she do more? Should we push her harder? She’s already been busted down a set because she’s not thriving under her workload, is that our fault? Do we not support her enough? Do we push her too hard? Is she lonely? Or a loner? Does she like our company or she suffocating in this house? Do we give her too many chores? Should we give her more chores to help her be more independent? Are we expecting her to grow too quickly? Is she mollycoddled?
I wish I had the answers. I wish I could be the self assured “like it or lump it” person that I used to be.
But I can’t. I worry so much. The happiness of my family is paramount. I’m not trying to be perfect, but I would like to do things perfectly. I want my future grandchildren to look up to my husband and I and tell themselves they want a marriage like ours. I want our children to look back and know we did everything to help them grow, to encourage, support and inspire them.
So, parents out there, are there any answers, or do we just all muddle through in the way we think is best? Is it all a big grey area or am I missing the obvious black and white?
I’ve linked this post with the lovelies over at #fortheloveofblog